Cross-border shocking

“Good afternoon. You’re watching the North American Headline network, or NAH for short. I’m Janine Generic-Anchorperson, and this is my colleague Winston Squarejaw. Winston?”

“Thank you, Janine. Today, as we endeavour to bring you explosive testimony from both sides of the 49th parallel, and to set a record for the most consecutive uses of the phrase ‘explosive testimony’ in a single 24-hour news cycle, we’re going to shift back and forth between Ottawa and Washington.”

“That’s right, Winston. Our NAH cameras are set up to capture Jody Wilson-Raybould’s address to the House of Commons Justice Committee regarding the SNC-Lavalin affair, as well as former Donald Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s appearance before the U.S. House Oversight Committee. Oh, and did we mention that there would be explosive testimony on both sides? Explosive!”

“Explosive indeed. Let’s begin in Ottawa, where Ms. Wilson-Raybould is speaking to the Justice Committee.”

“…For a period of approximately four months between September and December 2018, I experienced a consistent and sustained effort by many people within the government to seek to politically interfere in the exercise of prosecutorial discretion in my role as the Attorney General of Canada in an inappropriate effort to secure a Deferred Prosecution Agreement with SNC-Lavalin. These events involved…”

“…a racist, a con man, and a cheat. Mr. Trump is an enigma. He is complicated, as am I. He has both good and bad, as do we all. But the bad far outweighs the good, and since taking office, he has…”

“…asked me to help out – to find a solution here for SNC – citing that if there was no DPA, there would be many jobs lost and SNC would move from Montreal. In response, I explained to him that…”

“…My loyalty to Mr. Trump has cost me everything. I will not sit back, say nothing, and allow him to…”

“…interfere with my role or my decision as the Attorney-General, as I would strongly advise against it. The Prime Minister said, ‘No, no, no, we just need to find a solution.’ Then the Clerk of the Privy Council said he had spoken to my Deputy Minister and told her she could speak to…”

“…Stormy Daniels. Lying to the first lady is one of my biggest regrets. She is a kind, good person. I respect her greatly — and she did not deserve that. But that’s what I did for Mr. Trump. After all, this is the man who said that, ‘When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the…”

“…Butts, who I met on December 5. Towards the end of the meeting I raised how I needed everyone to stop talking to me about SNC as I had made up my mind and the engagements were inappropriate. Gerry then took over the conversation and said how we need a…”

“… conman. I’m talking about a man who declares himself brilliant but directed me to threaten his high school, his colleges, and the college board to never release his grades or his SAT scores. The irony wasn’t lost on me that at the time, Mr. Trump in 2011 had strongly criticized President Obama for not…”

“…lining up all kinds of people to write op-eds to say that what we are doing is proper. On December 19, I was asked to have a call with the clerk. He said that the PM is quite determined, quite firm but he wants to know why the DPA route which Parliament provided for isn’t being used. He said, ‘I think he is gonna find a way to get it done one way or another. So, he is in that kinda mood and I wanted you to be aware that…’”

“…I am no longer your ‘fixer,’ Mr. Trump. I am going to prison and have shattered the safety and security that I tried so hard to provide for my family. My testimony certainly does not diminish the pain I caused my family and friends – nothing can do that. And I have never asked for, nor would I accept, a pardon from…”

“…the Prime Minister, who informed me that I was being shuffled out of my role as Minister of Justice and Attorney-General. I will not go into the details of this call, or subsequent communications about the shuffle, but I will say that I stated that I believed the reason was because…”

“…I fear that if he loses the election that there will never be a peaceful transition of power. This is why I agreed to appear before you today.”

“…Gilakas’la. Thank you.”

“Wow! That WAS explosive, Janine!”

“It sure was, Winston! And we’ll provide explosive coverage of this explosive testimony, re-lighting the fuses as often as we can for the next three weeks! Stay tuned for more explosive analysis, right here on…NAH!!!”