It’s time to meet the Trudeaus

“Good morning, everybody, and welcome to our weekly government caucus meeting. You might recall that we had a little surprise last week, when a couple of our MPs dressed up as those loveable old balcony hecklers from The Muppet Show, Statler and Waldorf.”

“Wait a minute – those were masks? You mean, that WASN’T Ralph Goodale and Darrell Samson?”

“Ha-ha-ha! Good one! I’m glad you’ve maintained your sense of humour from that wacky Halloween stunt. It sure generated a lot of goodwill on Twitter, didn’t it?…I’m seeing a few blank looks here. You ARE all on Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat, as per my orders, right?”

“I think my Internet’s broken, sir.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out and be selfie-ready in no time. But now, I’m launching a minor cabinet shuffle – nothing serious, just replacing a few ministers to freshen up our image in the run-up to next October’s election. Since my little Muppet joke went over so well on Twitter, I thought it was time to bring in some voter-friendly faces to get the job done. Please welcome my new Deputy Prime Minister, Kermit the Frog.”

“Hi-ho, everyone!”

“Wait a minute. Aren’t the Muppets American?”

“Well, you might think that. But our boss, Mr. Henson, did a lot of work in Toronto over the years. He even filmed every single episode of Fraggle Rock there, and a bunch of our TV specials. And we discovered just last week that, back in the ‘80s, he got us all Canadian citizenship! So we can join your cabinet and run your country! Yaaaaaaay!!!”

“Is he going to wave his arms like that in the House of Commons, sir?”

“Hey, no problem! Michele Rempel does that all the time! Ahhhhh! Wocka wocka!”

“Hang on, Fozzie. I have to introduce you first. This is Fozzie Bear, and he’s going to be our Minister of Fisheries and Oceans.”

“What? A bear running Fisheries and Oceans?”

“Sure! I’ve got all kinds of great fish jokes to put smiles on the faces of laid-off plant workers. I don’t want to CARP about it, but I’ve HADDOCK with low cod stocks! They just have no PORPOISE! Ahhhh! Get it? Huh? Get it?”

“Shut up, bear, and let a real leader take over.”

“Ah, yes. Please welcome Miss Piggy, who’ll be replacing Catherine McKenna as Environment and Climate Change Minister.”

“What?!? But I’m a great cabinet minister! Didn’t you see my interview on This Hour Has 22 Minutes last week? I was effervescent and engaging! I connected with the common people!”

“Hey, sister, you’ve got four provinces that haven’t signed on to your carbon tax plan. You wanna ‘connect’ with people? I’ll ‘connect’ with those rebel premiers using my patented porcine karate chop!”

“Uh, Miss Piggy…”

“That’s ‘Minister Piggy’ to you, pretty boy.”

“Yes, uh, ‘Minister Piggy,’ I’d prefer that you don’t resort to violence against anyone in our carbon tax negotiations. Our Liberal government prefers to use ‘sunny ways’ as opposed to the old-style, anger-driven, pork-barrel politics.”

“PORK-barrel?!?”

“No, no, I actually meant…”

“HIIII-YAH!!!”

“Piggy! You can’t karate-chop the Prime Minister. Save that for Doug Ford.”

“Doug Ford! I know him. I was on Jimmy Kimmel Live with him four years ago. After the show, Jimmy thanked me for bringing some culture and sophistication to the proceedings.”

“No, Gonzo, that was Rob Ford, not Doug Ford.”

“Well, whatever model of Ford it was, he convinced me that there’s only one way to handle tricky inter-provincial negotiations – by balancing spoons on our noses while standing in a vat of warm tapioca pudding!”

“And with that, ladies and gentlemen, meet your new Finance Minister, The Great Gonzo.”

“Hold on, Kermit. The finance portfolio is serious business. Gonzo, we’ve got to balance the budget before the next election rolls around, and we’ve been running billion-dollar deficits for the past three years. Think you can do it?”

“Wow, you guys are even crazier than I am!”

“You mean…”

“Yes! Of COURSE I’ll do it! And just to make it interesting, I’ll do it while wrestling three alligators on a tightrope high above the Rideau Canal! They’ll never forget THAT budget speech!”

“Okay, that just about wraps it up. This should get us ready for 2019. But before we go, Kermit, who have you got to address the cannabis shortages at our government-sanctioned dealers across Canada?”

“I’ve got The Electric Mayhem on that, Mr. Prime Minister, led by Health Minister Dr. Teeth.”

“POS-A-LUTELY!”

“Excellent. All right, thanks for coming, everybody. Let’s do a little soft-shoe as we head into the halls of Parliament.”

“That’s gotta be better than the song and dance you’ve been giving them about the Kinder Morgan pipeline for the last few months! Ahhhh! Wocka wocka!”

“And we’ll see you all next time on The Trudeau Show! Yaaaaaay!!!”