I’d like to think that I have shown great restraint by limiting the amount of column space devoted to Donald Trump during his first year as the American president.
Of course, this is partly because The Angry Orange seems to blow himself up on a daily – and sometimes even hourly – basis, so anything I would write on a Friday would be wildly out of date by the time it goes online the following week.
But hey, it’s been almost a year, and The Donald has had some time to make his mark on the distinguished office of the U.S. presidency. And I figure there are plenty of wanna-be leaders just dying to copy the Trump path to success.
So, in the interest of helping these poor unfortunate souls, here’s a handy quiz to see if you’re qualified to reach the bar that was so significantly and consistently lowered, all throughout 2017.
Pencils ready? Begin!
You are addressing the impressionable young minds of America’s Boy Scouts. To inspire them to “be prepared” for the challenges that lie ahead of them, you should:
a) Encourage them to treat all others with respect and dignity.
b) Discredit the media.
c) Introduce a brand-new Scout badge for Mexican Border-Wall Building.
Your party has passed the first stage of repealing the previous administration’s health care legislation, an act that could leave millions of Americans without medical insurance. To address this disparity in a dignified manner, you should:
a) Give a speech ensuring that those left behind by this move will not have to wait long for proper coverage.
b) Throw a beer bash on the White House lawn.
c) Dance on a Styrofoam gravestone bearing Barack Obama’s name, conveniently forgetting that repealing legislation requires both House and Senate approval.
You are speaking to the United Nations at a time that sees your country on the precipice of nuclear war with a hostile Asian dictator. To defuse the situation and establish a dialogue for peace, consider:
a) Appealing to the UN delegates in attendance for a climate of peace while simultaneously taking a firm stand against activity that could maim, injure or kill anyone inside or outside the United States.
b) Repeatedly calling the Asian dictator “Rocket Man” during your speech and then describing him as “short and fat” on Twitter.
c) Inviting everybody for cocktails, chili cheese bowls and chocolate cake at the “Armageddon Rager” that kicks in at your Mar-a-Lago bunker as soon as the bombs start dropping.
You are hosting a ceremony honouring Native American war heroes. How do you most appropriately honour their sacrifice, bravery and culture?
a) Speak sincerely about their contributions to World War II and to America in general.
b) Take the opportunity to remind everybody that you’ve been calling a Democratic senator “Pocahontas” for several months.
c) Spark a lively debate over who runs the best casinos.
A group that aligns itself with the movement responsible for the genocide of millions causes civil unrest in an American city. What is the most appropriate response?
a) Immediately condemning the presence of such a group in the city, America, and society in general.
b) Insisting that “both sides,” including the one not attempting to promote a white master race, were responsible for the trouble.
c) Changing your position on the issue no fewer than 25 times over a three-day span.
A high-profile broadcast journalist is fired from his job due to inappropriate sexual behaviour within the workplace, just over a year after you took responsibility for a decade-old comment regarding a famous man’s “right” to violate a woman’s privacy and dignity. You should:
a) Call for a frank, open discussion on gender balance and safety within the workplace, and pledge to commit federal funds and energy towards this issue.
b) Use your Twitter feed to suggest that the real villains in the piece are the “fake news” network executives that fired the journalist in the first place.
c) Insist that Saturday Night Live be cancelled as well, for good measure.
SCORING: Give yourself 10 points for every “a,” 20 points for every “b”, and 50 points for every “c.” If you got 60-100 points, you are an excellent presidential candidate but you will be inexplicably defeated by Donald Trump. If you got 100-180 points, you probably shouldn’t run for president but you might be hired by Donald Trump. If you got 190-300 points, you are either one of Donald Trump’s children or about to be adopted by Donald Trump. And, if you got more than 300 points because your math is terrible, you ARE Donald Trump.
And I pity you.