Q: So, how have things been lately?
A: Dude, not this again.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Whenever you get really desperate for a column you resort to interviewing yourself. It’s tired and ridiculous.
Q: How is it tired? This is the fourth self-interview column in 15 years. As for ridiculous, it’s gimmicky, sure, but hardly a slight against the written word.
A: You’re a slight against the written word.
Q: That… you… can you just please play along? I think we can accomplish something here.
A: Ugh. Fine. Ask away.
Q: So… how are things?
A: Well, I’m back to work after a few weeks off.
A: And what? I slept, drank beer, worked out, the usual.
Q: Did you do anything out of the ordinary?
A: Such as…
Q: Dude… you know where I am going with this and you also know it’s going to come out in the end so you might as well just fess up.
A: Fine. I went to a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament in Pictou.
Q: There we are. Now, how was it?
A: It was fine.
Q: So you stayed for the whole thing?
A: Grrr. No. I left after the first match.
Q: Why did you drive all the way to Pictou only to drive right back?
A: … I had a mild anxiety attack and had to leave.
Q: Are you alright?
A: I’m fine.
Q: Any idea what brought this on?
A: Yes… and before you ask, I don’t feel like sharing. It’s no one’s business but mine. I’m not entirely sure why you wanted to put this in a column in the first place but here we bloody well are. Good lord. All you had to do was write some silly nonsense about comics, or TV, or something else that doesn’t matter even a little bit. You never write about your issues. Why in the name of Joss Whedon are you doing this? Seriously, this is embarrassing.
Q: Mental health is an important issue.
A: So is… other stuff that is important. Why would anyone care about my lame experiences?
Q: Maybe they too will learn that it’s okay to talk to other people about how they are feeling.
A: I am not talking to other people. I am writing this in a column. Sure, people will read this column and some may identify with it but I am hardly opening up to anyone. I’m just writing stuff down.
Q: Dude… everyone who reads this column knows you occasionally have problems with anxiety.
A: Well isn’t that just triple terrific. Here’s hoping they offer me their tips for dealing with anxiety. Nothing would make me happier than having someone tell me I would feel better of only I did X-Y-Z. With any luck, people also tell me to just get over whatever is bothering me.
Q: Look, dummy. You obviously are having issues you can’t control. It’s not like you are in any position to dump on anyone’s advice, regardless of its empirical value.
A: Which is all well and good. I still don’t want to hear anything from anyone. I have anxiety and depression. There. Can this “interview” be over with?
Q: We’re finished if you thing we’re finished.
A: …I hate you.
I’m done now.