With a lot on my mind, it’s obviously time to reassess my rankings of barbeque foods.

I know I’ve written about this before but this is the first summer I’ve eaten meat in 10 years, so I might as well revisit my previous calls and adjust accordingly.

I will point out that my idea of a barbeque is likely closer to what the Yankees would call a cookout. Food snobs, whom I can’t really hate as I am a snob about pretty much everything, have strict rules about what is and what is not proper barbeque. Well, they can call it whatever they want in their columns. This is my column so they can jog on.

Burgers: When I think barbeque, I think ease of use. Few things are easier than putting burgers on the grill, closing the lid, flipping once and serving. Sure, a lot of people manage to poxy-up even the simplest of foods but usually there is at least someone at a barbeque who can handle not entirely turning tasty beef into inedible charcoal. Of course there is also usually someone at a barbeque who prefers well done. In those cases, I find it best to heed the words of one Hank Hill. “We ask them politely, yet firmly, to leave.”

Hot Dogs: You wanted easier than a burger? You found it. Now, obviously the meat quality is crucial here, as it is with burgers. You buy cut-rate hotdogs and premade sawdust burgers, your return on investment is going to be minimal. You shell out a little extra for the good stuff, you’ll enjoy it more.

Also, hotdogs are familiar for the kids and makes them happy/quiet. A barbeque without hotdogs can hardly call itself a barbeque.

Corn on the cob: If you haven’t grilled corn, you are missing out. I don’t care if you are a meat-only household. I like to put cheese and cayenne pepper on mine, in a simulated version of Mexican street corn, but I suppose salt and butter works too.

Potato salad: I know I wrote about this in the past but I believe I only included it as a warning against the ubiquitous bucket of salad-like material from the grocery store. I’ve come around on homemade potato salad and I think we’ve developed a healthy respect for one another.

Steak: Look… steak… we have to talk. Steak is rarely (pun not intended as I am not a monster) worth the time and effort. I’ve yet to have a steak since returning to the meat side, but I cannot recall ever enjoying a grilled steak over a grilled burger.

Steak cooked properly is dandy, but it’s difficult to find someone capable of keeping one edible, let alone delicious.

Off the list

Ribs and brisket: I’ve never had brisket so I have no idea whether or not it tastes good. As for ribs, I’ve never had them grilled so, again, any thoughts on the matter would be inaccurate… and you know how I feel about being inaccurate. In other news, the sky is falling.

To sum up, I am in a glass case of emotion and making stupid jokes is all I can do at this point.

I’m done now.