I’m sure I wrote about my love of sandwiches before. I’m also sure I ranked my favourite sandwiches in the past. I’m redoing the list because I haven’t had bread in over three weeks and I’ve been experiencing carb-based fever dreams for the last two. Apparently, sugar is addictive. Anyway, on with the show.

Notable exclusions from the list: Monte Christo. My margin for combing savoury and sweet begins and ends with a plate of syrup covered pancakes and various breakfast meats. The only true breakfast meats that work though are bacon, ham, and sausage links. Sausage patties require a more substantial plate mate, like French toast with whipped cream, but I don’t eat whipped cream because I am neither 10 nor insane.

Montreal smoked meat: I wasn’t a fan. It’s been years since I tried smoked meat but I always found it a bit stringy. The taste was fine but the meat was not my cup of au jus. (See what I did there? It was a really bad play on words. I am a terrible writer.) If you have recommendations for where I can go for a good one, please keep it to yourself. I don’t mean to insult you, I just don’t care about your opinion.

Hamburgers and hotdogs: Yes I know I once wrote burgers and dogs are sandwiches and yes, I still think this is the case. However, for this list I am going with the “stuff between two slices of standard bread” definition. Why? Because it’s my list and I will do what I want.

Lobster roll: Look you either make these at the table while others are eating lobster plain or you are going to be disappointed. You can disagree but I assure you that you couldn’t be more wrong. Just put your (wrong) opinions away. Everything’s going to be fine.

Now for the top 10.

Ham and Cheese: Forget you, ham and cheese. There is never enough ham in a ham and cheese. Deli ham is garbage compared to a ham steak. Now ham steak and cheese, that is a proper sandwich. Also, hold the mayo. Pork requires mustard and nothing more, you heathens.

BLT: Tomatoes obviously add taste and nutrients to a sandwich but they always turn a sandwich into a mess. Either take one slab off one big tomato, or tiny slices off a tiny tomato, and you’re fine. But that never happens and people take medium slices of medium tomatoes and it creates a stacking/structural integrity problem for the rest of the sandwich. Just toss the tomato, throw on avocado, replace the lettuce with spinach, and instead of bacon strips, use a bacon weave and you’ve got something. Change with the times BLT. You’re dull and everyone knows.

Peanut butter and Jelly: It is boring and played out at this point but to exclude them would be criminal. I feel the same way about The Beatles… which would make ham and cheese the Rolling Stones of the sandwich world. Does that make Taylor Swift some sort of open faced hipster-bait monstrosity? (For the record I don’t think of the Rolling Stones as a deli ham and cheese. I think of Kiss as deli ham and cheese. The Stones are real ham and cheese.

Steak and cheese: I am not sure why steak is the king of the gastronomical jungle. I also don’t get the fuss about low grade steak hacked up and covered with provolone. Maybe I just haven’t had a good one in a while but I always remember being underwhelmed.

Tune in next week for the rest of the list.