If you’re like me (and beware: if you’re actually taking the time to read a newspaper column, you’re probably a little bit like me), you’re probably worn out from the recent overload of political news and looking for a breather.
Lucky you! The summer movie season is upon us, with blockbusters aplenty to stir our senses, distract our weary hearts and minds, and provide a welcome respite from all the nonsense we’ve had to endure over the past couple of months.
So fire up the petroleum-byproduct-masquerading-as-butter for your jumbo-sized tub of popcorn, and let’s settle into such soon-to-be-classics as…
Despicable Majority 2: Another round of the barely-animated antics of Nova Scotia’s favourite super-villain, Premier Gru McNeil. This time out, Premier Gru must choose from his 26 giggling, babbling Liberal minions to piece together a cabinet after losing two ministers on Election Night and having a third decline to re-offer. The film features an extremely-slowed-down voice recording of Steve Carell as Premier Gru, with Kirsten Wiig as Lena Diab.
Wonder Woman: Thrill to the adventures of the Tories’ newest superhero, cleverly disguised as rookie candidate Alana Paon. In her first big-screen political outing, Alana surprises the pundits and pollsters by ending Samson-Man’s 19-year reign over Richmond County. She then amazes onlookers by magically transforming her party’s opposition to the Liberals’ handling of the Bluenose II and the Nova Scotia Film Tax Credit into local issues.
Scratched: British Columbia Premier Christy Clark (Amy Schumer) and British Prime Minister Theresa May (Goldie Hawn) take refuge in a South American jungle after their ill-advised election campaigns result in minority governments and threaten their very political careers.
Captain Blunderpants – The First Election Meltdown: Rookie NDP Leader Gary Burill provides the voice for Nova Scotia’s most bizarre animated character, who spends the entire movie promising to hike the minimum wage and provide free community college tuition. For these efforts, Nova Scotia voters reward Captain Blunderpants by electing a whopping seven NDP MLAs before the credits roll.
Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume Trudeau: The wacky gang of planet-protectors is back with a new mission, as green-skinned Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland (Zoe Saldana) and the only talking raccoon ever named Canada’s Defence Minister, Harjit Sajjan (voice of Bradley Cooper), promise “hard power” and a 70 per cent boost to Canada’s defence budget. Their plan goes off the rails, however, when it turns out that Sajjan isn’t the talking raccoon that he boasted about, and is instead merely a special effect.
Comey and the Beast: Formerly an animated movie and looking far less animated with every passing minute, this modern-day fairy tale traces the journey of a former FBI director who finds himself locked in the White House with the grotesque, ill-tempered President of the United States. Demanding loyalty from his new roommate, President Beast remains trapped in the egocentric fantasy world he’s created for himself. Will impeachment set him free?
Baillie-Watch: Dwayne Johnson takes on the role of political lifeguard Jamie Baillie, who spends the majority of the movie flexing his muscles and proclaiming himself King of Canada’s Ocean Playground. However, following the film’s Election Night climax, Lifeguard Baillie wonders if it’s time to take a long walk down the beach, into the political sunset. Co-starring Yasmine Bleeth as Alana Paon, Zac Efron as Allan MacMaster, Ryan Reynolds as Rob Wolf, and David Hasselhoff as Ray Mattie.
Rough Night: Documentary film crews capture the faces of Cape Breton Liberal candidates as the election results roll in.
Pirates of the Conservative Convention – Dull Men Take The Prize: Johnny Depp stars as the loveably-bland political scoundrel, Captain Andrew Scheer, who leapfrogs over 13 other candidates (including one who got votes despite dropping out of the race weeks earlier) and takes the Conservative leadership after a climactic final battle with Quebecois rival Maxime “No-Beard” Bernier (Gerard Depardieu).
Promising Everything, Everything: This young-adult romance features a determined NDP volunteer who woos an undecided first-time voter, setting up a fantasy sequence in which Gary Burill wins a majority government. The star-crossed lovers are torn apart, however, when the New Democrat premier has to find some way to pay for his billion-dollar election platform and decides to sell off three Nova Scotia counties to the highest bidder – including the two featuring the doomed teens’ hometowns.
Alien – Come On and Vote: Extraterrestrial parasites descend on Nova Scotia and suck out the brains of half the province’s eligible voters. Fortunately, it happens the day before a provincial election, so there are still enough voters left to choose our political representatives – unless, of course, the voters are the ones who just had their brains sucked out.
And these are just the trailers, gang! Wait ‘til the actual movies start!