Send in the clowns

“Step right up! Step right up! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome to the biggest, greatest, most eye-popping, show-stopping extravaganza on the face of the earth! Join us under the big tent for the Circus Of The Political Stars!”

“Dad, you said we were going to Six Flags.”

“Shhh. The nice man in the sequinned suit is speaking, honey. You don’t want to drown him out.”

“We’ve got it all! Thrills, chills, spills, highs, lows, ups, downs, and everything in-between! Contortionists, extortionists, illusionists, confusion-ists, collusion-ists…”

“Hey, watch it there, big mouth. No collusion! Mueller said so. I’m completely exonerated! COMPLETELY EXONERATED!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a big round of applause for our opening act, Trumpo The Magnificent!”

“That’s more like it. Thanks, folks. What a great crowd! The biggest crowd that ever attended any circus, EVER!”

“Dad, why is he wearing that funny wig?”

“Eat your popcorn, Janie.”

“For my first trick, I was going to stick my head inside the jaws of a real Russian bear. But you know what it’s like these days, you can’t have animals in circuses anymore, because you might offend somebody, like PETA, or Democrats, or other losers. So, I’ll just stick my head inside the jaws of my buddy Vladimir Putin here. Nice to see you again, Boss. Uh, I mean, ‘total stranger.’ Here we go…”

“Close your eyes, kids. This is going to get ugly.”

“Oh, no! That Russian guy just swallowed Trumpo The Magnificent whole! All you can see are his little feet, sticking out of Putin’s mouth!”

“Uh, uh, don’t worry, folks! Trumpo The Magnificent has wriggled out of these scrapes before. I’m sure he’ll be fine. We now direct you to our centre ring, where The Great Justini is leading his death-defying trapeze act. He’ll grab onto the hands of his fellow acrobats in red, and land safely on the net below.”

“Ready, Jody? Ready, Jane? Ready, Celina?”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“And off he goes! See the grace and ease that handsome young Justini uses as he swiftly makes his way towards…”

“Wow, Dad! That first lady just folded her arms and let the guy pass right by her!”

“I’m sure it’s all part of the act, honey. The next acrobat should catch him.”

“She didn’t! She looked the other way! He’s heading for the ground!”

“Well, there’s still one more acrobat that could catch him – hold on, why is he yelling at her?”

“She jumped right off her trapeze! She’s heading right for the net! But he’s gonna hit the ground, hard!”

“Sunny ways! Sunny ways! Sunny wa-a-a-a-ays…”

“Um, uh, pay no attention to the acrobats, folks. This type of thing happens every so often in the Circus Of The Political Stars. We now guide your attention to our eastern wing, where you can delight to the pie-throwing, mud-slinging antics of Nova Scotia’s two favourite legislature clowns! There’s ‘Wacky Zach’ in the red bloomers, and ‘Tacky Tim’ in the blue pajamas!”

“You touched me!”

“Did not!”

“Did too! You touched me in a phone booth!”

“Who uses phone booths any more? You’re just mad at all those cards I sent around to my constituents about the Yarmouth ferry! Which you HATE!”

“I’ll show you who hates what, little man…”

“Hey, look, Mom! There’s another clown on stilts, coming in to break it up!”

“No, dear, he’s not on stilts. That’s Premier Stephen McNeil. He really IS that tall.”

“Hi, folks! Time for another Liberal sideshow! We’ve just spent another $200 million on health care! We’re expanding the hospitals in Sydney and Glace Bay! We’ve run our fourth consecutive surplus budget! Impressive, huh? Ha-cha-cha!”

“Hey, what are all those blue clowns doing? Are they gonna knock him over, Dad?”

“You know, I thought they were trying to do that, son, but they just seem to be leaving the tent. And that ‘Tacky Tim’ guy is going with them.”

“Isn’t that marvellous, ladies and gentlemen? Let’s hear some cheers for our two troupes of Conservative clowns, the Tim-Bits and the Scheerios! They don’t come up with any ideas of their own – they just walk out in formation to prove a point! What a delightful display!”

“Dad, I’m bored.”

“Shh. There’s got to be SOMETHING good coming up.”

“Stay tuned for our next round of performances, folks! All the way from Prince Edward Island, we’ve got The Big Green Political Machine! Then there’s the NDP Human Cannonball, Jagmeet Singh – will he really get off the ground THIS time? And wait ‘til you check out the Never-Ending Parade of American Democratic Presidential Candidates!”

“Okay, that’s it. Come on, kids. Let’s go see a movie instead.”

“Cool! Can we see Dumbo?”

“Believe me, you already have.”