My last two columns were about sandwiches.

What’s this one about? Sandwiches. What? I’ve been eating a restricted diet for the last month or so in vain hopes of regaining some semblance of shape that isn’t round. (Yes, I worry about my weight. No, I don’t want to talk about it, thank you.)

You’ll have to excuse me if food is on my mind. It’s better you read about sandwiches than the rest of the nonsense I have going on in my brain.

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The bread: I think of the bread, in most cases, as little more than the barest foundations of the rest of the sandwich. Notable exceptions are the grilled cheese and burgers. I’ve tried the bread-free version of burgers in a couple of restaurants and they are subpar to their gluten-laden brethren.

Anyway, I’m perfectly fine putting everything in a tortilla and calling it a day. I don’t like toasted sandwiches. I don’t really like toast at all, preferring to get the bread to a point where it’s warm and able to support a smear of peanut butter but not to the point where it changes colour. Again, I know I have issues but you don’t have to eat what I eat so mind your business, no one asked you.

The main filling: I figure if you are going to try at anything, you might as well go all out. I feel the same with sandwiches. None of this fancily-folding a few pieces of shaved meat so as to disguise the fact there are only a few pieces of meat. I just pile whatever I have on the bread and move on to other toppings.

My previous review listed roast beef as close to my favourite but only if the sandwich consists of roast beef, mustard, bread, and nothing more. All other flavours get lost with roast beef so I tend to go with turkey when I want to go big with a sandwich. Also, I am monogamous when it comes to sandwich meat, except for bacon. There is nothing wrong with just wanting a solitary sandwich meat, just as there is nothing wrong with wanting to be left alone. Sadly, there are people who disagree with me on both points. Happily, these people are easy to ignore.

Veggies and such: I included the “and such” because avocado is a fruit and I pretty much need it in every sandwich I eat. Spinach, onions, and sandwich style dill pickles also make the grade. Tomatoes, as usual, can stay home. Forget you, tomato. You’re nature’s second saddest fruit, next to the kiwi. Stupid kiwis. What have they ever done? Nothing. (I did not realize I hated kiwis before writing this column. Apparently introspection is helpful and not something to be shamed over. Who knew?)

Condiments: Mustard is all anyone needs. Some people don’t like mustard. I argue those people aren’t really people but monsters impersonating people with the intent of taking over the world. They must be stopped, and by stopped I mean disintegrated, because monsters always come back stronger than before if you don’t destroy them outright.

Hot sauce is also acceptable but only as an accent to the avocado. We don’t need it dripping all over the place, making the food more hot than is necessary and ruining a perfectly good thing with so much thoughtless dousing. Like people and brylcreem, a little dab will do ya. Too much is suffocating, and too little is boring. With that said, I would rather be bored than overwhelmed.

I’m done now.