Now that the awards season is winding down and everybody actually received the correct envelope, you might be finding it difficult to sift through the wave of post-Oscar blockbusters and Academy Award winners and losers to figure out how to spend your movie going dollars.
No problem! Here’s your handy guide to the latest ripped-from-the-headlines thrillers to hit the screens. And as an added bonus, I won’t charge you a cent for all this vital information. (A little of your leftover popcorn wouldn’t hurt, though.)
So let’s kick things off with…
The Greatest Showman: This freewheeling musical follows plucky Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (Ryan Reynolds) through a three-ring, three-month-long circus that he’d probably just rather forget. You’ll howl with laughter as he corrects a town-hall questioner and changes “mankind” to “peoplekind!” You’ll avert your eyes as he wears every conceivable colour during his disastrous trip to India! And you’ll gasp in amazement as he tiptoes across the high wire towards the next election!
A Cecil In Time: A determined Cape Breton mayor (George Clooney) decides to run for the mystical Nova Scotia PC leadership, also being sought by Mr. Who (Tim Houston), Mr. Whatsit (John Lohr), Mrs. Which (Elizabeth Smith-McCrossin) and Mrs. Who-Are-You-Again (Julie Chiasson). Delayed momentarily by an anonymous evil force known as “The IT,” brave Cecil rises above the threat of blackmail and emerges as a folk hero. (Advisory: You’ll have to wait for this October’s sequel to see what happens next.)
Peter’s Habit: The whimsical children’s tale gets a modern-day makeover as Peter Rabbit leaves Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail to explore Mr. McGregor’s garden on their own and heads over to the grow-op next door. You guys, this is going to be so sweet. And this summer, it’s legal! Dude – LEGAL! And you know what? You know what? Peter Rabbit sounds like – James Corden! Yeah, I know! The Carpool Karaoke guy! Dude! Totally! I know, right? Oh man, I could use a 20-pack of Timbits right now…
The Pulp of Water: An already-strained relationship between fishermen along the Northumberland Strait and a Pictou County pulp mill gets even more complicated when a strange creature emerges from the waters off Caribou. With its makeup divided equally between pulp mill effluent and lobster claws, the mysterious beast from the sea wins the heart of the mild-mannered PR guru hired to film smiling Northern Pulp employees for the company’s million-dollar TV ad campaign. (Warning: You may not want to stick around for the ending.)
One Signboard Outside Port Hastings, Nova Scotia: Another determined Cape Breton mayor (Reese Witherspoon) rallies her fellow municipal leaders to add “Unama’ki” to the “Welcome To Cape Breton” sign at the Canso Canal swing bridge. The campaign spirals out of control when other Cape Breton cultural groups demand equal space, and the resulting signage leaves only enough room for the tiniest smart cars and VW Beetles to squeak across the Causeway.
Red Steve – The Gall: This remake of the live-action/animated rock classic Pink Floyd: The Wall centers on the Nova Scotia Liberal Party’s education reforms. The film’s highlight sees Premier Stephen McNeil leading a chorus of disillusioned students in a revised version of the movie’s best-known song: “We don’t need no education/We don’t need N-S-T-U/No school boards in the central office/Pass the savings on to you!”
I, Tessa and I, Scott: The Winter Olympics’ most adorable couple spends the entire 119-minute running time of the movie, including the opening and closing credits, vehemently denying that they’re in an actual relationship once the skates come off. Featuring Margot Robbie as Tessa Virtue and Zac Efron as Scott Moir.
Tory Raider: The saga of video-game heroine Lara Croft gets a modern-day makeover with not one, but three butt-kicking political heroines: Caroline Mulroney, Christine Elliott and Tanya Granic-Allen, who vow to return the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party to power after 15 years in the political wilderness. However, their combined efforts are foiled when the ultimate Canadian political supervillain, Doug Ford, shows up to spoil the party. (Warning: Audiences attending this movie should come prepared to wait seven hours for the ending.)
Just-This-Once-League: Frustrated at their attempts to take down Trudeau-Man in the previous federal election and the polls, opposition crime-fighters Stuporman (Andrew Scheer), Beardman (Jagmeet Singh), Blunder Woman (Martine Ouellet) and The Flashing Green (Elizabeth May) join forces to regain their rightful hold on Parliament and the collective imagination of the Canadian electorate. However, despite their combined efforts and Trudeau-Man’s penchant for shooting himself in the foot, the Just-This-Once-League soon realizes their best hope might be to reduce the Liberal government to minority status in 2019.
Don’t wait too long at the concession stand, gang – these movies, and their “stars,” won’t be around forever! (If we’re lucky…)