“Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of Federal Election Debate Bingo. Do you have your markers ready, folks? Then let’s begin.”

“Come on, Suzette, they’ve already started.”

“Hey, don’t look at me, Marguerite. You know I can’t play bingo without my Coke and chips. It wasn’t my fault that a bunch of teenage climate-change protesters showed up at the canteen and blocked the line.”

“Shhh, the debate’s starting. We’ll have to be careful or we’ll miss our chance for the jackpot.”

“Under the ‘B’ – Blackface.”

“And we’re off! Scheer waited a whole 10 seconds before he brought up Trudeau’s dumb pictures from 18 years ago. Let’s see if he actually says anything about his OWN platform the rest of the night.”

“Under the ‘N’ – Name-Dropping.”

“Wow, Suzette, I’m picking up a lot of squares here. Trudeau keeps mentioning all these other people in his debate answers – Doug Ford, Jason Kenney, Stephen Harper.”

“Don’t forget, you get a bonus square every time Trudeau says ‘Under 10 years of Stephen Harper’ to open a sentence.”

“Under the ‘O’ – Obnoxious.”

“Already?”

“Yep. Only 15 minutes in and already those morons are talking over each other.”

“At this rate, I’m going to have all my ‘O’ spaces filled up before the halfway point!”

“Under the ‘G’ – Goof-Ups.”

“The moderator just called Scheer ‘Mr. Singh’ again.”

“No, she actually called Singh ‘Mr. Scheer’ again.”

“It’s gonna be a long night, Marguerite.”

“Under the ‘I’ – Independence.”

“So, we have to mark off a square every time that Bloc Quebecois fella makes a reference to sovereignty?”

“That could be a tricky one, Suzette. He’s been avoiding that separation talk. He must be trying to lull Quebec voters to sleep so they’ll vote for him.”

“I’ve only been listening to him for 30 seconds and I’m already falling asleep.”

“Under the ‘N’ – ‘Nice Things.’”

“Here we go! Every time Singh says ‘Mr. Trudeau likes to say nice things’ and then blasts him, we get to stamp a square.”

“One, two, three, four…Wow, Marguerite! My ‘N’ row is already full, thanks to that ‘nice’ New Democrat!”

“Under the ‘G’ – Green.”

“This should be easy. We get to mark off a space every time Liz May opens her mouth.”

“No, dear, that would be TOO easy. We only get to mark off a space whenever she makes a policy statement that has nothing to do with climate change or the environment.”

“What? So much for my ‘G’ row! It’s going to be staring blankly at me, all night long!”

“Under the ‘I’ – Indigenous Issues.”

“Well, this shouldn’t be hard. We mark off a square whenever a leader offers a realistic, thoughtful position on the concerns of Canada’s indigenous peoples. They’ve even dedicated a whole segment of the debate to it! Get your dobber ready, Suzette!”

“Hmmm. Not hearing any of that yet. Scheer’s stuttering his way through his answer. That won’t get me a square.”

“Hey, wait a minute! This is the indigenous section of the debate! Why are they suddenly talking about pipelines?”

“So much for our full cards, Marguerite. Here, have some of my chips.”

“Under the ‘B’ – Bernier.”

“This could be a tricky one. We only get to stamp a ‘B’ square when that People’s Party nutjob actually says something nice about immigrants.”

“What?!? C’mon, buddy, pick out another ball! We’re dyin’ out here!”

“Under the ‘O’ – Obstruction of Justice.”

“Aha! Bonus time! We get to mark a square off every time Scheer or Singh brings up SNC-Lavalin, AND every time Trudeau ducks the question.”

“All my O’s are suddenly filled, Suzette! I can smell that jackpot now!”

“Under the ‘B’ – Barton.”

“Who?”

“Rosemary Barton from the CBC. She’s the last moderator of the night. We get to mark off a square every time she calls a politician out on their nonsense. Or every time she says something that makes people on Twitter suggest that she should have moderated the whole debate.”

“Hey, she just told Trudeau that he didn’t actually answer her question about SNC-Lavalin! That finishes off all my ‘B’ squares, Suzette!”

“We’re both set! Come on, caller, give us an ‘I’ for ‘idiotic’ and suddenly it’s winner-take-all!”

“BINGO!”

“You gotta be kidding me! Suzette, who got the bingo?”

“Sandy McSanderson, from Sandy Cove. Not fair! I heard she cheats. And her daughter’s one of those climate-change protesters. They’re rich! They don’t need the money!”

“And it’s official – that bingo card is a winner! Congratulations, Ms. McSanderson. You win…a day off to go vote! Use it wisely!”

“What a lousy night, Suzette.”

“Ah, don’t sweat it, Marguerite. Canada’s probably going to elect a minority government next week, so we’ll be back here playing Debate Bingo again before you know it!”

“Lovely. I’ll have the Tylenol ready.”