I have often heard the phrase, “You should never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.”
It is good advice. It encourages us to pause, reflect, and consider perspectives beyond our own. But what happens when we have never had to walk in someone else’s shoes long enough to understand the dangers they face every day?
Over the past few weeks, I have had numerous conversations about the situation at Cornell University and the controversy surrounding St. Francis Xavier University students who posted a sign outside their off-campus residence.
I have spoken with both men and women, and the stark difference in their reactions has been striking.
There seems to be general agreement that the StFX students should not face the same consequences as someone who commits an actual sexual assault. But beyond that, the conversations diverge.
The men I spoke with – good men whom I genuinely like and respect – largely viewed the sign as immature, distasteful, perhaps even stupid, but ultimately something being blown out of proportion. The women’s responses were often different.
Many felt that enough was enough.
Why such a difference? I can only conclude that our experiences, and perhaps our education, have shaped how we see the world.
I cannot speak for men. I do not walk in their shoes. But I can speak to the experience of being a woman.
Women are taught, both directly and indirectly, that their safety is their responsibility. Watch your drink. Share your location. Don’t walk alone at night. Be careful what you wear, where you go, and whom you trust. And if something happens? Be prepared to explain what you did – or failed to do – to prevent it.
Victim blaming is still very much alive, and women are tired of it.
How often do men worry about leaving a drink unattended at a party? How often do they arrange a check-in with a friend before going on a first date, plan an escape route, or carry something intended to protect themselves from sexual assault? For most women, these precautions are not occasional inconveniences. They are part of everyday life.
This is the reality that can be difficult to understand when you have never had to live it.
A sign is not the same as a sexual assault. Intent, context, and consequences matter. Accountability should be proportionate. But we must also recognize that words and behaviour do not exist in a vacuum. When sexual violence is treated as a joke, when degrading attitudes are dismissed as youthful stupidity, and when those who speak out are accused of overreacting, we reinforce a culture in which women’s fears are minimized and their dignity becomes negotiable.
Rape culture does not begin and end with the person who commits an assault. It is also sustained by the excuses, jokes, attitudes, and silences that make sexual violence seem less serious than it is.
The question is not whether a sign deserves the same punishment as a crime. The question is why behaviour that makes women feel threatened or degraded is so readily dismissed.
Perhaps it is time we stopped asking women what they did to protect themselves and started asking why they have to.