A hat trick? In soccer? I’m sorry…football?!
Thank you Jonathan David for at least trying to make the World Cup more accessible for part-time fans of “The Beautiful Game.”
David’s third goal didn’t cause hats to rain down from the stands as they would at a hockey game, but for one brief second Canadians like me, who rarely watch the sport, didn’t have to reach for their phones to decipher something they didn’t quite understand.
When Canada beat Qatar 6-0 last week, on the strength of David’s three goals, it made history in so many ways. It was the first ever World Cup win for this country. It tied the record for margin of victory for a host team, and it doubled the number of goals they had in their World Cup history.
This is only the third time Canada has qualified for the World Cup on the men’s side – the other two appearances coming in 1986 and 2022. I don’t remember the 1986 event, but I do recall watching the final of the 2022 World Cup while waiting for a flight at the Hamilton Airport of all places, when Lionel Messi led the Argentinians to victory over France in what many consider the greatest World Cup final ever.
I didn’t play soccer growing up, unless you count those rare occasions when a sunny day and a substitute teacher lined up in a way that we were awarded the chance to kick a ball around the field behind our school. And I have to admit that I haven’t watched it much either over the years.
I don’t have “a team” and it’s only been since Canada – both the men and the women – have had some success internationally that I’ve been compelled to give the sport a chance. I’ve worked with Premier League fans over the years, but I’ve mostly found them rather pretentious, with their pennants and their team scarves.
But, like so many Canadians, I’ve got World Cup fever. Or maybe it would be more appropriate to call it World Cup sniffles, as I’m mostly recording games and watching them back after work. But, as our team prepares to meet the heavily favoured Swiss side for a chance to reach the knockout round, I’m invested like I’ve never been before.
I’ve mostly found the sport dreadfully boring, and Saturday afternoon televised games between Arsenal and Man City were things to be avoided. I’ve tried to commit to it, but usually after watching two teams kick the ball around the midfield area for 10 minutes without a single shot on goal, I lose interest.
I have, at least, picked up some of the terms over the years. Teams are sides, fields are pitches, a zero-zero score is nil-nil, and a tie is a draw. But these days I must admit I’m spending more time consulting Google as I try to decipher the intricacies of the game, making sense of red and yellow cards, offsides and injury time. And don’t get me started on penalty kicks. As a hockey fan who thinks penalty shots are no way to decide a winner, the fact that something as huge as a World Cup championship could come down to penalties kicks, as it did in 2022, is preposterous.
Hockey netminders are a different breed for sure, as they happily face chunks of frozen rubber propelled their way at ridiculous speeds. But I have no idea what could compel someone to be a soccer goalie and be tasked with a defending a net that’s twice as high as a hockey goal and four times as wide. There’s no other situation in organized sport where the odds are so stacked against one individual player.
And then there’s all the theatrics involved in the game. Hockey players who make a habit of “diving” or faking injury are swiftly penalized and are quickly vilified by other players. But in soccer, it’s a completely acceptable part of the game. Players hit ground like they’ve been shot, only to pop up moments later and run another five kilometres in circles.
It’s a part of the game that I’m not adjusting to at all, and I had to consult Google to understand why player after player would cover their faces with their hands instead of grabbing a leg as one would expect when another player takes their legs out from under them. The search result was quite revealing and confirmed my suspicions.
According to Google, players feigning injury will cover their faces “to hide their true expressions, avoid immediate scrutiny from the referee, and prevent television cameras from catching them laughing or recovering instantly.”
Those sneaky buggers!
And because the clock never stops, except for a 15-minute intermission at half-time, all the time players waste rolling around on the ground is added onto the end of the game and called “injury time.” And since the average player will run as many as 12 kilometers during a game, another 10 minutes added onto the end of a game just means another kilometer or two of running. Serves them right, I think.
Barring a minor miracle, there’ll be at least one more game for Canada after this week’s clash with Switzerland, and I’m sure Google will have to be consulted a few more times before it’s all said and done.