Santa Claus spills the tea

It’s been awhile since Santa Claus last revealed his official gift list for the naughty and nice newsmakers in the Strait area, across Canada and around the world.

However, as some of you might know, I’ve got an “in” with Santa this time around. So, I’m sure he won’t mind if I give a little teaser of the beautifully wrapped items that he’s bringing in his sleigh…

For Prime Minister Justin Trudeau: An economy-sized case of makeup remover

For outgoing Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer: A week at an NHL fantasy camp, with special attention given to scoring goals into empty nets on breakaways

For the co-writer of that last joke, Peter MacKay: A refresher course on how to recognize when cameras are rolling at international conferences

For NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh: A guarantee of at least one full year in which some clueless white guy on the street doesn’t suggest Singh’s appearance would be greatly improved if he “cut off” his turban

For outgoing Green Party Leader Elizabeth May: The opportunity to lead the provincial Greens in Nova Scotia

For Bloc Quebecois Leader Yves Francois-Blanchet: Lunch at any random St. Hubert location in Quebec, with any random Alberta separation crusader

For Jody Wilson-Raybould: New office space more suited to an Independent MP, at a Tim Horton’s outlet three blocks from Parliament Hill (available on alternate Tuesdays)

For incoming House of Commons Speaker Anthony Rota: An IV drip connected to a large bottle of Pepto-Bismol

For Maxime Bernier: Who? (No, just kidding. Santa remembers Maxime Bernier. And he’s got the perfect gift lined up for little Max: A wall-sized copy of Greta Thunberg’s “Person of the Year” TIME Magazine cover! Ho-ho-ho!)

For Premier Stephen McNeil: A copy of “The Pierre Trudeau Guide To Well-Timed Walks In The Snow”

For Health Minister and Antigonish MLA Randy Delorey: A coupon for a free visit to any emergency room across Nova Scotia (Note: The coupon is non-returnable, even if the ER he chooses happens to be closed when he gets there)

For Transportation Minister and Guysborough-Eastern Shore-Tracadie MLA Lloyd Hines: A Do-It-Yourself Yarmouth Ferry Model Kit (missing the Maine docking facilities, because Santa only has so much room in his sleigh) and a CD copy of Kermit The Frog’s classic song, “It’s Not Easy Without Flashing Greens”

For Cape Breton-Richmond MLA Alana Paon: A new appointment book to ensure she doesn’t miss any more days in the legislature

For Inverness MLA Allan MacMaster: A whistle-stop tour of Port Hawkesbury, so he’ll be ready when the town is reincorporated into his riding during the next election campaign

For Opposition Leader Tim Houston: A new set of blinders so he won’t be distracted by the Tories’ 16-point deficit to the governing Liberals in the latest Narrative Research poll

For provincial NDP Leader Gary Burrill: A one-on-one session with predecessor Alexa McDonough on how to enjoy the moral victory of leading their party’s smallest caucus in 22 years

For the troglodytes that verbally abused Waycobah’s Logan Prosper at a recent Midget A hockey game: A lifetime ban from any hockey arena, anywhere in Nova Scotia (What, you thought Santa was just making silly jokes with this list?)

For the roughly-250 CBRM residents who recently told pollsters that Cape Breton ought to become its own province: A three-week retreat in Richmond, Inverness and Victoria counties and the Town of Port Hawkesbury, where they’ll meet thousands of people that never get consulted when this topic comes up

For HRM Mayor Mike Savage: Twenty million suggestions for other Halifax-area needs that could make better use of the $20 million his council approved for a stadium to attract a CFL team to Nova Scotia

For Don Cherry: Several new suits with shirt collars large enough to cover his mouth

For Hockey Night In Canada: Santa’s suggestion for the obvious choice to replace Grapes on Coach’s Corner: Ron MacLean’s Rogers Hometown Hockey co-host, Tara Sloane

For carbon-tax-opposing premiers Doug Ford, Jason Kenney and Scott Moe: A trip across Canada in a 1987 Ford Festiva that’s guaranteed to run out of gas every 10 kilometres

For Donald Trump: Ukrainian dance lessons (complete with traditional Ukrainian garb), to make peace with the country that he seems to require so badly to take down his future political opponents

For Republican Senators set to consider Trump’s impeachment early in 2020: Backbones

For Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: A plastic drool-guard to strap on her chin as the impeachment process continues

For Robert Mueller: (REDACTED)

For newly re-elected UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson: A lifetime supply of hair gel (warning: humility and sensitivity not included)

And, for Vanna White: Her own game show, building on her recent Wheel of Fortune guest-hosting stint