I just saw an excellent idea for a party on Buzzfeed. (Do any of those words make sense when said written in that order by me? No. Will the sentence make sense later? If my writing skills have anything to say about it, yes. I aim to make it worth your while.)

Apparently, something exists called a DTL, or Drink Talk Learn party, the conceit of which is everyone invited makes a three minute presentation on a topic about which the presenter feels passionate. Prizes are then given out for best presentation, best dressed, and closest to three minutes without going over.

While I will have nothing to do with the drinking, or the best dressed award which I would only win if everyone else was naked and I was wearing a bespoke suit, I am quite capable of convincing others of the awesomeness of the things I think are awesome. The fact it requires a Powerpoint presentation might trip me up but I can go full luddite or take the spirit of the learning theme and fight with my laptop for a few hours until I can bang something out.

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I assume it took me this long to learn about such things because I don’t go to parties. It’s not a rule or anything and I can’t deny rumours of people seeing me at one or two of them in my life but… meh.

However, getting up and convincing people of the validity of my interest, within the span if three minutes; count me in.

The only dilemma is which interest to pick. I’ll have a hard time selecting a macro topic (gaming, pop culture, martial arts), let alone the micro topics (why table top surpasses video gaming, why Captain America didn’t immediately sign the Sokovia Accords considering he is a government agent, and a rumination on martial arts and bro culture) but I am sure I will find something.

I’d like to think this would break down any, if not all, of my issues with parties. First of all, there will only be one person talking. Sure, there are rules allowing effective and brief heckling but really, it’s one person and one topic at a time. This suits me down to the ground.

I get easily put-off at parties when I am surrounded by people and they are all talking about various whatnots and I can’t pay attention, nor can I formulate thoughts of my own beyond “get me out of here.” I’m not saying I party with bad people or that all of the parties I attend are horrible. They, both the crowd and the party itself, are just not for me. Small gatherings where you can hear people and hold something resembling a conversation are… well they aren’t “great” or even “just fine” but they are better than the alternative.

Those with a curious nature might ask why I don’t host such a gathering? The reason is I don’t want to. My brain requires stable surroundings. I need plans, backup plans, escape strategies, potential alibis, and, with any luck, a panic room. Plans are comforting. When I have to account for others, my brain gets super itchy and I end up thinking too much, which as we all know can only hurt the ball club.

Regardless, the party idea is rad and I would like to partake. Anyone wishing to set something up is asked to call my personal assistant’s assistant and we can set something up.

I’m done now.

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Antigonish native Matt Draper has been a photographer, reporter and columnist for The Reporter since 2003.