Not playing at a theatre near you

If the recent box-office numbers are any indication, we might be starting to run out of patience with Hollywood’s insistence on filling our theatres with sequels, remakes and spin-offs.

Apart from Toy Story and John Wick, the latest updates are falling well below studio expectations. The Shaft and Men In Black reboots, and even the X-Men finale Dark Phoenix, completely tanked.

Never fear! I’m got the inside scoop on a whack of fresh, original movies that are sure to remind us all why film is such a dynamic medium over the course of the coming weeks. I don’t have the screening dates, times or venues, but trust me, they’re all on their way.

What’s coming, you ask? Well, for starters, there’s…

Airport 2019: The battle over Cabot Links’ drive to get public funding for an Inverness-based airport takes to the sky, as plucky Port Hawkesbury Mayor Brenda Chisholm-Beaton (Reese Witherspoon) and Celtic Air Services president Dave Morgan (Chris Pratt) fly head-on towards Cabot Links managing director Ben Cowan-Dewar (Matthew Perry) and Cape Breton-Canso MP Rodger Cuzner (John Goodman). You’ll roar with laughter as Cuzner looks at the firestorm zooming towards him and mutters, “Boy, did I pick the wrong week to give up politics.”

Alana Comes Home: Cape Breton-Richmond’s favourite political doll (voiced by Amy Poehler) gets a rousing welcome as she emerges from the rubble of a dust-up with PC Leader Tim Houston (Richard Gere). However, things take a turn for the bizarre when the newly-independent doll keeps appearing at the speaker’s office and at meetings of the House of Assembly Management Commission, leading Alana to be placed in a glass box at the back of the legislature bearing the sign, “WARNING: POSITIVELY DO NOT OPEN.”

The Dead Don’t Die: A behind-the-scenes documentary about Jagmeet Singh’s insistence that the NDP can win the upcoming federal election.

Toy Forky 5 – The Fork Awakens: Having cleared $200 million with a movie featuring a talking fork as its hero, Disney sets out to milk the utensil-loving public out of its last few dollars by relaunching the Toy Story series with an all-cutlery cast. You’ll howl with glee as Forky gets into all kinds of kitchen misadventures with his new friends Knifey the Knife, Spoony the Spoon, and Zesty the Lemon-Zester. The movie only hit theatres moments ago, but it’s already crossed the $100-million mark, while Randy Newman’s theme song “You’ve Got A Blend In Me” (sung by Blendy the Blender) is receiving early Oscar buzz.

A-Lad-Dim: Having promised Canada that he’ll eliminate single-use plastics by 2021, Justin Trudeau struggles to articulate how the plan will come to fruition and turns to a magic lamp for help. Unfortunately, the bright blue genie in the lamp turns out to be Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer, who lambastes Trudeau for using plastic forks at a public event and insists that the government ditch its carbon-tax strategies. This live-action reimagining of the animated classic allows Trudeau to wear every single outfit from his ill-fated India trip.

Rocketman: Elton John arrives in Canso, but it’s not to play at StanFest – he’s in Guysborough County to help Maritime Launch Services get off the ground with the most tricked-out, bedazzled, jewel-studded rockets ever fired into the stratosphere. The soundtrack includes such hits as “I Guess That’s Why They Call It Tor Bay,” “Saturday Night’s All Right For Blast-Off,” “Can You Hear The Launch Tonight,” “Goodbye, Hazel Hill Road,” and the stirring ballad “Canso In The Wind.”

Dougzilla – King Of The Tories: The giant, hulking ego of Ontario Premier Doug Ford (Jack Black) wreaks havoc on Toronto City Council, gets booed at the Toronto Raptors’ victory parade, and destroys giant chunks of the province. However, his federal counterpart Andrew Scheer (Steve Carell) is slow to act until Dougzilla unleashes his greatest destruction – on the Conservative Party’s national poll numbers.

The Hustle: Having played several roles throughout her acting career, including a decade as an NDP MLA and even one of her party’s recent leadership candidates, Lenore Zann takes on her greatest challenge: convincing voters in Cumberland-Colchester to elect her as a Liberal MP. Starring Lenore Zann in a virtuoso performance as Lenore Zann.

Scrambled Eggs: A young songwriter starts to play The Beatles’ “Yesterday” at a concert, only to have the crowd respond with Paul McCartney’s original breakfast-themed lyrics for the beloved melody. The shocked musician soon learns that he has awoken in a world where every single Fab Four hit is now about food. Musical highlights: “I Wanna Hold Your Ham,” “Liver’s Gettin’ Fried With Onions,” “Michelle Ma Bell-Pepper,” “Yellow Submarine Sandwich,” and “Dr. Pepper Makes My Tarts Taste Bland.” Directed by “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Okay, I made that last part up. All right, fine, I made the whole thing up. But a man can dream, can’t he?