Trump Trek

“Captain’s Bigly Log, Stardate…uh…Stardate, Sometime-In-The-Summer, 2018: Now that we have launched my most awesome and fantastic United States Space Force, we have wiped out all threats to our planet. Well, not the whole planet, but the best part, the awesome and fantastic United States, which has never, never, ever been in better shape. Ever! And to think those loser Democrats and failing fake news types thought there were better places to spend our money. Sad!”

“Sir, could you put down your phone and your triple-cheeseburger for a second, so I could talk to you about…”

“What’s up, Number One?”

“I keep telling you, Mr. President, you don’t have to call me that.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. After all, I’m Number One, and you’ll always be Number Two. Hey, get it? Number Two! I’m hilarious! I should be on Saturday Night Live! I mean, if I wasn’t still mad at them.”

“Yes, hilarious, sir. Laugh riot.”

“Anyway, how’s it going, Spock?”

“Maybe you could call me ‘Mr. Vice-President,’ sir. I’ll even accept ‘Mike.’”

“Yeah, whatever, Spock. I’m trying to save the universe here. After all, I’m in charge of our new Space Force. Those bone spurs kept me out of Vietnam, but they won’t keep me out of space!”

“Yes, sir, about that. I realize the importance of fighting our adversaries in space, but I’m here to remind you that we still need the support of Congress. Remember, they didn’t come on board when we first brought up the idea last year.”

“Stupid Democrats!”

“Actually, Congress and the Senate are still controlled by our own party, sir.”

“They can’t be! We’d have built the wall by now, right? Or taken down Obamacare? Hey, I know – all our glorious Republican Congressmen and Senators must have been taken over by…THE BORG!!!”

“Yes, the Borg, sir.”

“Well, we’ll just elect a whole bunch of new, Borg-free Republicans this November in the mid-term elections. That’ll fix everything, right, Spock?”

“’Mike,’ sir.”

“You’re boring. I’d rather talk to Yoda. Where’s Yoda? Where’s that cute little old guy with all those wise sayings?”

“Down here, Captain.”

“Nice of you to join us, Mr. Sessions.”

“Shut up, Spock. Call him Yoda, like I do. Hey, Yoda! You fixed that whole thing with the migrant kids, right? They’re back with their parents, right? No more embarrassing pictures of toddlers in cages on Fake News CNN, right?”

“Well, actually…”

“Ha-ha! He’s already talking backwards with his cute little voice! You fixed everything, right, Yoda? With your Jedi mind tricks or your Vulcan pinches or one of those space things?”

“We’re trying, Captain Trump, but it’s not that easy. I keep throwing out random Bible verses but the problem just won’t go away. Worse yet, it seems like several large parts on the United States have been overtaken by some strange disease called ‘empathy,’ along with a wave of ‘compassion.’”

“There you go again, talking that weird Yoda talk. What’s this ‘empathy’ and ‘compassion’ stuff? Did they eat bad cheeseburgers or something? Speaking of which…”

“Mr. President, you’re dripping ketchup on the control panel. Also, I wanted to let you know that the military parade you ordered won’t be happening for at least another year.”

“What? Come on, Spock, you’re only supposed to give me good news! What’s the good of spending $82 million if I can’t get my parade exactly when I want it? I want my parade! I WANT MY PARADE!”

“Y’all gone and done it now, Spock.”

“You’re not helping, Yoda.”

“That’s it! Time to bring out the big Space Force guns! Set phasers on ‘tweet’! Fire another round of tariffs against those security threats in Canada! That Justin Trudeau thinks he’s the new Luke Skywalker! I’ll show him who’s the King of Space!”

“Calm down, sir…”

“Oh, I’m just getting started! Spock, set a course for Hollywood! I’m gonna zap that guys who took a pick-axe to my star on the Walk of Fame! And then I’ll use my lightsaber on the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce for voting to take me OFF the Walk of Fame!”

“Okay, buddy, that’s it. There are other kids waiting to use the ride. Move along.”

“What? No! I’m not done yet! I have to drop a bunch of tribbles on Omarosa and use my laser beams to destroy all the copies of her book!”

“Come along, sir. There are plenty of other things we can do in this park. Look, there are candy apples! You like candy apples, right, Mr. President?”

“No! Spock! Yoda! Fix this! They can’t do this to me! I run the U.S. Space Force! I RUN THE U.S. SPACE FORCE!!!”

“Hey, mister, you forgot your cheeseburger!”