Lights, camera, Christmas

With Hollywood, TV networks and streaming services jamming our screens with holiday content, it’s getting harder every year to choose the right Christmas favourites to supplement other December activities like shopping, taking the kids to see Santa, or sweeping up pine needles for the 20th time.

Not to worry, friends. Your trusted Mass Media Elf is here to sift through all of it for you, and he recommends one of these holly, jolly viewing options…

Justin and Donald’s Bigly Best Christmas Ever: As their bureaucratic elves burn the midnight oil to get the new North American free trade deal finalized by Christmas Eve, Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau attempt to bury the hatchet with a new Christmas special recorded exclusively at the NATO Summit in London. However, the special’s first 40 minutes are taken up by an impromptu Trump press conference, and the U.S. president storms out of the proceedings after Trudeau unwittingly reveals his “Secret Santa” gift to Trump while chatting with other world leaders.

It’s The Most Wexit Time Of The Year: Despite a significant drop in attention to their complaints in the two months following October’s federal election, Western political leaders and fed-up Trudeau-haters stage their own holiday special to show how much better Christmas would be in an independent Alberta. Musical highlights include “Oil Be Home For Christmas,” “O Little Town Of Edmonton,” “All I Want For Christmas Is A Pipeline Deal,” and a rewrite of “We Three Kings” which insists that the Wise Men came from the west, and not from the east.

Alana Paon’s Province House Christmas: While her ejection from the provincial Tory caucus last June leaves the Cape Breton-Richmond MLA with a lower budget to spend on her first holiday special, Alana Paon pledges to turn up the cheer with a Christmas extravaganza filmed at the Nova Scotia legislature. However, she’s inexplicably absent for half the show’s running time, leaving House Speaker Kevin Murphy to fill in the blanks with such songs as “Hark! There’s No One In Her Seat,” “It’s Lame That Paon Is Still Not Here,” and “Alana Paon’s Not Coming To Town.”

Miracle On Reeves Street: Port Hawkesbury Mayor Brenda Chisholm-Beaton and her town councillors wonder if Santa really exists, after the letter they wrote asking for flashing-green traffic lights at two Reeves Street intersections is returned from the provincial Transportation and Infrastructure Renewal offices marked “Return To Sender.” However, just in time for Christmas, Santa – who bears a striking resemblance to TIR Minister Lloyd Hines – arrives to save the day, giving the answer all good little boys and girls want to hear at this time of year: A resounding “Maybe.”

A Blue State Christmas: The U.S. Democratic presidential candidates are all set for their big holiday special, but they find themselves scrambling to fill the gaps when several White House hopefuls drop out of the race in early December. Among the musical highlights from those left behind: “Obama Is Faithful, He’ll Make Me Triumphant” (Joe Biden), “Here Comes Bernie Claus” (Bernie Sanders), and “We Wish Trump Would Be Impeached Now” (Elizabeth Warren).

Elf II: Apple-cheeked Andrew Scheer plays everybody’s favourite adult-in-elf’s-clothing in this delightful sequel to the Will Ferrell classic. This time, Andy The Elf sets off on a trip to Ottawa as he attempts to reclaim 24 Sussex Drive for the Island of Misfit Tories. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when he jumps into a hockey game on the frozen Rideau Canal but misses an open net on a breakaway, leading poor Andy to settle for several months in Stornaway.

Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Christmas: Still reeling from the abrupt end to his 33-year reign on Coach’s Corner, “Grapes” attempts to salvage what’s left of his reputation by hosting his first holiday special. In the climax, Cherry is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past (Bobby Orr) and Christmas Present (Ron MacLean), who both express surprise at Cherry’s firing and give him a holiday thumbs-up. However, the Ghost of Christmas Future – the as-yet unchosen NHL commissioner who finally has the courage to ban fighting in pro hockey – begs to differ.

It’s A Very Merry Minority Christmas: The five elected federal party leaders, their caucuses, and independent MP Jody Wilson-Raybould try to put their differences aside and spread some Christmas cheer as they settle into the new House of Commons reality. Thrill to Elizabeth May singing “You’ll Have A Green Party Without Me,” Jagmeet Singh crooning “I Want The Balance Of Power For Christmas,” and random Conservative MPs hooting “Where’s Ralph Goodale, Pa-Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum?” (Program note: Sensitive viewers will be relieved to know that the Prime Minister will not be responsible for his own makeup.)

Pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie, everybody!